Geneticists Search for Mystery Gene

Gaston County Phenomenon

What began as a curious "quirk" noticed by a vacationing modern anthropologist has now been confirmed as a genetic trait being passed from generation to generation. "This is a condition that had occasionally been noticed over the years, but is now becoming epidemic," stated a member of the fifteen man and woman Federal team dispatched to the area to study the phenomenon. "We have traced this as far north as the Mecklenburg, North Carolina county line and as far south as Columbia, South Carolina."

Identifying the Phenomenon

Early symptoms seem innocuous. The most common occurs when driving an automobile. It manifests itself as the irritating habit of applying the brakes and slowing at intersections displaying a green traffic light.

After studying 137,100 incidents at various intersections in the afflicted areas, scientists noticed that individuals from one gene pool would consistently apply their brakes and slow when approximately 300 feet from an intersection that displayed a green light.

The distance where the brakes were first applied could be calculated using a rather simple speed formula. It basically showed that the faster the afflicted driver was moving, the further from the intersection the brakes were applied. "We noticed the elderly doing this years ago, but now it seems that almost everyone is doing it," stated a local law enforcement officer.

"The most puzzling aspect of this is their complete belief that this is normal," stated one of the investigators.

"I asked the subjects what the yellow light at an intersection indicated," he stated. "98.4% did not know there was a yellow light. They thought the light changed from green to red. They were slowing in case this change occurred," he continued. "The remaining 1.6% knew there was a yellow light, but drew no significance from it being illuminated."

goof teeth

"Sometimes we just guess what we should do," stated these Gaston County couples. "The drivers license police have to help us to pass the test," they confided to this investigator.


As my interviews continued, I began to discern a troubling trend. "We are not inbred!" this Gaston County native shouted.

He then went into a stupor when a nearby traffic signal changed. After four minutes he was still suffering "traffic signal stupor" as his condition is being officially classified. To the average person, "traffic signal stupor" is noticed as the complete lack of action when a traffic signal changes from red to green. "It appears that honking the horn doesn't break the stupor either," stated a dismayed researcher.

More Cases

gang signs

Here a pair of afflicted girls show their gang colors and flash gang signs.


The zenith of my interviews was to be the couple who were about to demonstrate that the genetic disorder bred true to their children.

Unfortunately, Bub their dog, proved to be smart enough to keep the photographer and this investigative reporter treed until well after dark. The follow up interview was also canceled by Bub.